Ever heard of 'boujee' white trash? 🗑

A client of mine recently opened up about the chaos and emotional neglect of her childhood. The more she shared, the more she sat in the reality of her childhood. She’d been harbouring a lot of shame for a very long time and was used to taking responsibility for the erratic behaviour of family members.

The little version of her felt abandoned so our primary focus was to reassure and take care of her, first. 

A member of her family was playing games, manipulating, ganging up on her and talking about her behind her back and this was causing my client a lot of grief. My client is well acquainted with feeling misunderstood by those she loves.

We’ve all watched a lot of TV shows, most recently I’ve been watching Ozark. If you’re familiar, the Langmore’s are what would be considered a white trash, hillbilly family. They live in trailers, they fist fight, they’re uneducated, they drink alcohol constantly, they’re caught up in crime and most importantly, there is no emotional or economic safety.

One could argue the Langmore’s aren’t bad people, they were just dealt a shitty hand. This is true to a certain extent but in the case of my client, where does one draw the line on how they’re treated when it impacts their quality of life and peace? 

This family member is an alcoholic and when my client sees their name on her phone at a certain time of night, she knows they have been drinking and nothing good will come of the phone call. 

As a coach, I have an objective point of view because it is not my life. When you are being gaslit, manipulated or lied to, it’s often hard to see the forest for the trees and you can take too much responsibility for behaviour that belongs solely to someone else. 

As my client explained what was going on, it was obvious she wanted to be considerate, keep the peace and also uphold the boundaries we’ve been working on. 

My therapist always reminds me “we teach people how to treat us” - we all need this on a post-it note somewhere visible. 

When we’re being poorly treated by family or those who were meant to love us, how do we muster the strength to love ourselves more? 

A lot of my clients are successful business owners that come from trauma, manipulation and the chaos caused by addiction. 

They each want to love and be loved and are dealing with the often shitty hand they were dealt. 

Where they come from is not where they’re going but it’s ‘still their family’. 

🗑 Some come from ‘white trash’.

💰 Some come from what I call ‘boujee white trash’ (they had money but equal amounts of chaos and domestic violence). 

🍺 Some come from alcoholic fathers. 

🚫 Some come from overbearing mothers. 

🚼 Some have raised themselves.

👩‍👦 Some have raised their siblings. 

🥊 Some were hit. 

🪷 Some were abused. 

I could go on. 

The common theme? 

Shame thrives in these environments.

My hypervigilant, overachieving, anxious and ambitious clients each experienced a lack of emotional nurturing and safety during childhood. 

90% of my work is helping clients love themselves into slowing down so they can regulate their nervous system. I tell them it’s ok to want what they want after a lifetime of fearing what other people think (people pleasing, the incessant need to appear busy and productive and taking on too much responsibility).

My clients are capable, responsible, empathetic and creative humans with a seriously strong entrepreneurial spirit. 

They can endure a lot. They have a high tolerance for risk.

They’re also incredibly tired. 

Tired of being the voice of reason. 

Tired of mediating. 

Tired of being responsible. 

It’s when they’re ‘done’ that we work on cultivating the self love they haven’t felt worthy enough to receive. 

Financial success and accolade is absolutely meaningless if your soul, boundaries, standards and peace are compromised. 

If you’re dealing with someone that constantly has you feeling wrung out, confused and helpless, it’s safe to say there’s room to love yourself more. 

Journal prompts for you:

1. What does this person take from me? 

2. What does this person give to me?

3. Why am I allowing this person to treat me like this? 

4. What am I afraid will happen if I end this chaos? 

Here’s to…

Brooke’s website: https://brookenolly.com/

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