From 2018, I had no friends 🙋🏻‍♀️

I started my business 7 years ago. 

Prior to 2018, I had a lot of ‘friends’. I was incredibly popular in my workplaces and people loved being around me. There were also certain people that were jealous of my magnetism and I had no idea why (I didn’t even know what magnetism was). I felt so sad that certain bosses and colleagues didn’t like me and it fuelled me to try harder to please the mean/jealous folks even more. I was used to these dynamics from childhood friend groups and it continued into my adult friendships and workplace scenarios. 

I unconsciously put out “who do you need me to be? I’ll be that to keep you happy” which in turn, made me really miserable and lonely. 

When early 2018 hit and this whole business thing became something I wanted to pursue seriously, I realised pretty quickly that making people feel good and spending my time pleasing everyone else had to stop or I’d have no time to actually build this thing. I also realised so many of my friendships were one sided; people would offload on me, tell me their problems, ask for my expertise and I would freely give it, until I realised what I was doing…

I was earning love through being needed, the only way I’d ever known how. I hated it and it exhausted me but that’s the only roadmap I knew. I attracted a lot of ‘takers’ because all I’d ever known was ‘giving’. Growing up, this is how my family utilised me, too. If I am not needed then why would anyone want to stick around? My only value is my utility aka how useful I am to someone else. Emotional labour was second nature. 

This was my operating system for a long time. 

I moved to Melbourne early 2019 and had very little friends, especially in physical proximity. I never felt lonely because it was the first time I’d felt peace, I was finally choosing to do what I wanted. 

I had no money, no security, no certainty and no friends yet I was… peaceful. I was no longer drinking, escaping, trying to please; I was living on purpose, reading, meditating, going to yoga, grounding, cooking and devouring all I could on personal growth, business and healing. 

I realised what brought me the most peace and satisfaction didn’t cost money it required uninterrupted time. The most valuable commodity of all. 

I’d spend my days in the park reading books I got at Salvo’s for $2. 

I’d ride around the city on my I Am Free bicycle I purchased second hand off FB marketplace. I’d bike from North Carlton to St Kilda on the weekends to get a $5 donut and journal at the beach, by myself. 

I’d spend the weekdays at The Commons in Collingwood creating content, writing and working. I had one pair of Lulu leggings that I’d wash in my broken washing machine that I also purchased off FB marketplace. 

Friday nights would roll around and my fellow acquaintances at the commons would have friday drinks and I’d go to yin yoga. I had no desire to engage in drunken chat and waste any more of my precious time doing shit I didn’t want to do. 

I was really misunderstood. People thought I was weird. I didn’t drink coffee and I didn’t drink alcohol. I spent my time riding my bike, going to the park and doing yoga. I cooked all my meals, purchased my fav items at the Vic markets and took the tram to and fro with all my heavy bags. 

My life was incredibly simple and I was building it on my terms. There was no company paying me a salary, I was that company. There was no back up plan or job I could go back to if it all turned to custard. 

This is where I learned presence. Anytime my brain would get nostalgic about what I’d left behind or anxious about how I was going to pay my rent and bills, I’d practice what I learnt in the books I’d been reading by the likes of Pema Chödrön and Tara Brach. I’d come back to the present moment, feel what was there and either take action or do something unrelated to the worry. It always worked itself out in the end. Surrender, trust and presence were my new best friends. 

I’m sharing this because it has been one of the most frequently discussed topics with clients over the past 7 years: letting go of shit friends and being ‘alone’. 

No one likes the idea of having no friends, we’re hard wired to belong somewhere and when we don’t feel anchored to any form of familiarity it can feel worse than ‘the devil you know’. 

I became my own best friend over the last 7 years, there’s still no one I’d prefer to hang out with over myself because that’s when I feel closet to God which is when I feel most creative and aligned; there’s no other energy infiltrating my experience. 

I’ve committed my life to creativity and my craft; that will always be my number one priority. My daily prayer is ‘what is being asked of me today?’ and I tune in and listen. It almost always results in service. 

Prompts for you

1. Who in my life takes more than they give? 

2. Why do I keep appeasing this relationship? 

3. What is my soul craving right now? 

Here’s to…

Brooke’s website: https://brookenolly.com/

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